A · Site · of · Thought

I have been doing so good with my life. And then he shows back up into it, twice, in one week. Now the pain won't stop, and I wish it would. I have been finally starting to get where I need to be with God, taking a few steps forward...only to be shoved back. I am in so much pain it's not funny.

Well it's been a long time since I've had a chance to get online. Here's the update.

I've had good moments, and bad moments lately. Behaving is a constant struggle for me. Everyone knows there's always been a wild streak in me. I wonder some days if it will ever go away. Somehow I doubt it. Some days it's good, like talking about church and revival to all my people at work, or even praying as a group when we went out to eat. But other days it's like wow, like New Year's Eve. I mean what was I thinking? No I have nothing against partying once in a while, but I went over the line that night.....I know I did.

And I'm so nervous that I'm going to lose my job. I haven't yet found a new one, but yet I was only seasonal. And somehow my lot in life is always to get the short end of the stick so I doubt I will be at Target to much longer. Not like I've done anything wrong. No, I work constantly. It's just.......my luck..

I've spread my wings, and I've learned how to fly. I'm doing what it takes, 'til I touch the sky I've...made a wish, took some chances, made somes changes, and broke away.....

My version of the song, and one I am trying hard to continue to make true.

And so I am trying out my new wings, trying to learn to fly....so hard when the broken heart is still slashed....but I'm trying, and trying. I feel like such a failure this week, I feel like I have fallen right back to where I was. Will this cycle never end? I just want to be like Hadassah.....but I end up more like Jezebel. Maybe something's wrong with me.

Sorry, so down right now. And I'm really not sure why, I have little reason to be.

I feel like I'm not growing in the least. Not like I should. Maybe it's because I'm totally and completely exhausted, to the point where I feel like bawling and I have no good reason why. I don't know anymore. I feel like I take one step forward and three steps back in my walk with God. I stumble at every turn, I'm getting nowhere. I have no one to turn to.....I don't know what to do. I would write more, but a migraine is sneaking up on me. I'm so very and completely exhausted.

Well it's been a while since I've updated. It's called major busy. Jenny and I didn't have Bible study last week seeing as how both of us have been so sick. But we did get to have it last night. It made me think. We studied Lot's Wife, and one question struck me as so very interesting. I have been struggling to let go of so much lately and the last question was asking whether we are like Lot's Wife and holding onto the past, or are we letting go and enjoying the moment and planning for the future. I have let go of a lot, I know that. I am able to have a normal day for the most part, but no I haven't been able to enjoy the moment yet. I am still very unhappy. I know God does not promise us happiness in life, and that I may never truly be overly bouncy again, but I do pray that he takes me and makes me content in the new life and world that I have been brought to. I will give myself a tiny bit of credit though. I have really started looking towards my future and making plans on where I want to be and working harder to get there. It's still a long road though, that I know.

There is so much in my mind right now, but I have so much to finish this week and next before the end of the semester so I must get busy on it and can't write more.

"He that covereth a transgression seeketh love: but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends", "Even a fool when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise; and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding." (Proverbs 17:9,28). I have started to read a proverbs a day, having each proverbs correspond to what day of the month. Lately it seems every verse that sticks out to me is about learning to watch what I say, and withstaining from gossip. I don't tend to gossip as a rule, but I also do not stop others from doing so, especially to me. I also tend to speak before thinking, a habit that has gotten me in numerous fights, particularly with Joey. I think God is trying to make me understand just what a powerful tool the tongue is, and wants me to learn how to control mine. I know it will be a long road ahead, because I tend to speak my mind and then regret later on what I've said but in the long run it will be worth it. I know this may not make much sense to anyone else, but the words just aren't coming out right on hard copy for some strange reason. Apparently English very hard for me today..... ;-) I really hope I am well enough to go to work tomorrow. I do not like being sick, no not at all. Slows down everything and I am bored stiff since I have nothing to do at home.

Not that this has anything to do with the Bible, but here's part of an awesome song off of Save the Last Dance, and it really stuck with me so I thought I would share it.

"Heres the chance of life
Get ready, set, fly
High
Above the fear of you mind
Go for it its hit or miss
Too late for you to quit
You gotta show them how bad you really want this

Live your dreams
It's not as hard as it may seem
You gotta work to get the c.r.e.a.m
On your hopes you must lean
From your fears
You have to win yourself
It's all or nothing
Give your everything....."

Devotions with Jenny was, as always, uplifting and enjoyed. We talked about Hagar tonight. I loved the twist they put on it. It wasn't all about how she was wronged and this and that, instead it was how God saw her through it all. He provided a well in the desert when she and her beloved son were near death. It is a great reminder, then when all hope is gone....God is still there. I have felt a little bit like Hagar myself lately. It's like my whole life is a desert, with no relief in sight. I know I have brought this all on myself, and I am drowning in it. I know I haven't found my well yet, and that it may take a long time. But to be reminded that God is always there, ready to hold me, protect me, and guide me....it's an awesome thought. To know that He sees me, my past, my sins, my...everything, and loves me anyway. It's a sobering thought. I don't understand it, I don't think He should. But isn't it nice that He doesn't agree with me?

Pastor talked last night about people that are perfectly good Christians, but use the Bible and twist it to prove their point. It was good thoughts, something I do not always think about. I am sure I have done it before myself. We should always be careful to look at what it says and read the context it is in to get the full understanding of what God intended us to take out of the reading. It was very interesting. I feel so bad, I get to church on Wednesday nights and it's a struggle for me to stay awake and pay attention because I am so tired from work. I think it's Satan's way of trying to get me back down again, something I am determined never to do again. I have learned I must take constant notes to be able to stay alert and I'm not bored or anything, just exhausted. I talked to Mrs. Harrison for a long time after church, she is one of those people that is just awesome to talk to. She listens, never judges, and you know that nothing she hears will ever be spoken again to anyone else because she absolutely abhors gossip. I pray I become more like women like her. That is why I have been enjoying my devotion time with Jenny so much, well partly, it's almost my Jenny's company. I must admit I miss Mrs. O'Neill greatly. I looked up to her, wanted to be like her, and this rift between us is something that bothers me. I have NEVER had enemies in my life, you can ask anyone. I just don't make them. And now I have a whole family of them. It's a constant struggle for me, one I know prayer will be the only way to overcome it. Time will tell what will be the ultimate outcome. I have today off, its so nice to be able to catch up on rest that I deny myself the rest of the week trying to get stuff done. I am able to sit at home and do whatever housework I know I need to get done, and relax for a while. I truly enjoy my time alone at home. I know it's getting to be the time for me to have my own place when I long for days like this when I can just sit back and think, and it's quiet which is perfect for reflection and prayer. There is no other times like this because of the full house. I know if I was married there probably wouldn't be either, particularly with children but it's different then. I do not know how to describe it. Anyway and now, it's off to laundry I go.

Tonight's devotions were very good. We talked about Sarah from Genesis, and also how to find laughter in a situation. I struggle these days finding laughter at all, so it had some good thoughts. I enjoy that little bit of time where the world no longer matters, and we are getting a chance to learn how to be a woman of the Bible. I long to be like Hadassah in the Mark of the Lion series (awesome, awesome series if you have never read it, it's a must). And it's great to be able to work through things like this with Jenny, whom I can tell absolutely everything. I must say I do not miss those days when we fought like cats and dogs (ignore the recent incident between us, total misunderstanding for those that have no clue what went down.) Time for sleep so that I can spend another day at work tomorrow. My job is good for one thing, I work mostly alone so there is much time for reflection and prayer. It reminds me of a monk's day, which is perfect for me right now. I can focus entirely on God and usually spend my entire day praying as I work. The pain I still feel over missing and loving Joe can be put from my mind during these moments. God has truly been my Guide, Savior, and Lifesaver during this time of pain and suffering. He is the only reason I sit here now and type. But no morbid thoughts for me tonight. Off to bed.

Jenny convinced me to get a live journal so it doesn't look like she's crazy when I post to her site so here it is. I won't use it like the other one I have though. I have decided I can use this site as a more deep thoughts site, since no one knows this one but a VERY select few. This way I don't have to worry about people that have found my other site reading my thoughts.

This morning pastor preached a very good sermon. He was talking out of Matthew 5:17-30. He was talking about how we need to be more then just external Christians, but internal ones as well. To not be hypocrites, but geniune in your heart. It was very good. I mean you can look at the people around you and they think you love them to death, when inwardly you are saying "Die, Die" or something like that, and people will think you are an awesome Christian because they do not know your mind. God knows better, however, he knows what you are really thinking. You just can't fool him. I must admit it was talking to me, I struggle with it all the time. Something I am trying hard to work on. I want to be the, what you see is what you get, type so trust me I am not preaching to anyone in the least. Anyway, my deep thoughts for today.

Tomorrow is mine and Jenny's Monday night devotion time at McDonalds. Should be good.